Episodes 21 - 26: Doctor Who and the Rubber Fetish People

Lucky for us Dr Whovians, the next 'adventure' of Doctor Who and chums is complete in full, and as such, no slide shows (it is very possible I am never ever watching another one of those fucking slide shows of lost episodes ever ever again for fucks sake). This adventure is actually called 'The Keys of Marinus' but (spoilers) thats a shit title and I'll have you know there are indeed rubber fetish people in this story. Those men out there of the homosexualist persuasion may find Keys of Marinus style costumes at your nearest Prowler store. Anyway lets not delay as I know you're all pissing yourselves for us to crack on with this Doctor Who marathon, or before you know it we'll be in the 2030s already.

'Bend over while I shove this up yah'

The Sea... of Death!

First of all, what a great fucking title. I mean, this is much better than 'The Keys of Marinus' they should have called the whole story the sea of death. Anyway, fuck knows if or what Marco Polo ended with a cliffhnager (slide show yawn) but judging from the opening if it did the clifhanger amounted to the TARDIS landing (dinky little kids toy version of the TARDIS anyway) and everyone walking outside. Howver, in the first few minutes quite possibly some of my favourite things to have ever happened in Doctor Who so far. Firstly, Dr Who jokes that he has a colour telly somewhere on board and this is supposed to seem so futuristic and unbelieveable and Ian and Barbara totally LOL the place down. Then some plastic cola bottle things swim onto a beach, and then... AND THEN... I am reminded of why I love Doctor Who in the Hartnell years, cuz Billy H could never remember his lines properly and say any old shit. So we get Barbara asking 'is the sea frozen' and Dr Who replies 'It's impossible in this temperature.... and besides which it's too warm'.... ! That's one.

'Don't throw trash into the sea, kids!'

Shortly after Susan throws her shoes off in to a rock pool and they discover the sea is acid and they disintegrate. After the first rubber fetish man appears and tries to wank off the TARDIS door handle but disappears as Susan heads in to the TARDIS to get more shoes.... then Dr Who says to Ian 'And hmmm dear boy if you'd brought your shoes you could have lent her hers hmmmm!'.... That's two.
It then becomes apparrent that those things that looked like plastic coke bottles with fins on are actually not the size of coke bottles but huge things that could fit a whole person in.... hmmm sure.
As Dr Who and the teachers fiddle with the giant coke bottle things Susan is stalked on her way back by the  bloke in the rubber fetish costume and we can see clearly that it has a proper stupid antennae type thing on the top of the head. Presumably a dildo for sex play. Meanwhile Dr Who pulls out one of the rubber fetish costumes from the giant coke bottle. Intriguing. They go back to look for Susan and we see Susan still being stalked by rubber man, as she stands in front of a painted backdrop for some reason.

Kinky

We are then treated to some truly terrible acting. Susan and rubber fetish person both fall through some swinging panels, then the rubber fetish person lies down carefully for some reason and it becomes apparrent he's been stabbed by some man in a towel. Blah Blah, Dr Who calls Ian 'that young schoomaster friend of yours', man in towel struggles with another rubber fetish person, come on, and still no ones got their knob out. Man in towel and Chesterfield get rubber fetish man 2 pushed into a hole (no not that kind) and then man in towel provides some much needed exposition. Over half way through the episode and after a good atmospheric set up (no, seriously!) man in towel sets the plot up as he tells Dr Who and fam (can we call the Docs previous gangs of companions 'fam' since Doctor Jodie Whittaker does it?) to like, go travel around the planet to collect some keys that he has inexplicably hid all over the planet. He can't make more because it would take him a thousand years to do so (? um, sure, can't be arsed more like). The actor playing Man in towel is clearly relishing this as the highlight of his career as he gets to stand front of screen and soliloquise about his daughter. Or something. At this stage of the show Dr Who is like 'fuck that shit I aint helping you unless I have to' (see also The Daleks when he only helped the Thals to get the fluid link back). So man with towel places a forcefield around the TARDIS so they can't piss off and he's like 'Ha ha Dr Who you have to go and get my keys or else you can't leave the planet so sit on it'. And he gives the gang magic bracelets to teleport them around the planet. Barbara can't fucking stop fiddling so uses her magic bracelets while the others are still talking to Towel Bloke. After the rest follow her, Him of the Towel is attacked by Rubber Fetish Man 3, and at their destination, Dr Who, Susan & Chesteeleerue find Babs' bracelet broken and covered in blood! NEXT EPISODE THE VELVET WEB. Fuck me I'm excited.


The Velvet Web

Lolwhut Babs is fine and she just like scratched herself or something. The gang's new destination is like a proper luxurious villa or something and Ian is so shocked he says Victor Meldrew's catchphrase 'I DON'T BELIEVE IT' 30 years before the character of Victor Meldrew had even been dreamt up! Maybe Dr Who gets Britbox streaming on that colour telly he mentioned earlier. Dr Who gorges on pomegrantes and truffles. The fat bastard. Where is this story going.

'OPPALANCE! YOU EARN EVERYTHING!'

'Charming young man, hmm, yes, charming, hmm, yes'. Says Dr Who while eyeing some trade at the villa. Is this a hint Dr Who is a gay? Ian notes that the trade didn't blink once and finds this suspicious.. is Ian worried there may be Weeping Angels on Marinus? To be fair there is a lamp that looks like a fucking weeping angel next to what is quite possibly the most scary fucking thing I've ever seen in Doctor Who, this terrifying fucking picture of a face that is clearly watching them...!

Literally fucking shitting myself

Christ I'm dwelling on this and its still only episode 2! But this story is so jam packed full of incident and intrigue! Already this could be the best Doctor Who story yet. The gang all pass out and a woman wafts around being all weird and shit. Then Babs wakes up and this weird alarm and flashing lights play and she freaks out. Cut to the morning after with the rest of the travelers for some reason being utterly fascinated by some orange juice glasses while Babs remains knocked out. Babs awakes and for some reason no longer sees what a stunning villa they are in, but to her it looks like they are in a skanky shit hole with dirty mugs and ripped rags as clothes. Of course, clearly the gang have been duped into some mass hallucination, with only now Babs seeing the truth. Literally I've no idea what any of this has to do with the whole 'find the keys' story but wait... just wait... until you see who's behind this whole hallucination shit. Points for Babs in the great dialogue states 'I think you're under some deep from of deep hynosis',,, that's three ( are we allowed to count non Hartnell fuck ups?). 'Oh yes yes yes yes hmmm yes ah hmm yes this might be able to fix the time mechanism in the ship hmmm yes' Says Dr Who while looking at a dirty mug that he clearly hallucinates as like, some kind of awesome instrument thing. Oops sorry you all just want to know who's behind the hallucination don't you? You're gonna love it.

Yes yes yes yes hmm yes its a dirty mug yes

Padding padding padding, Babs wanders around with some random woman who might be man with towel's daughter, but wiat wait wait.... GUESS WHO'S BEHIND ALL THE SHIT THIS EPISODE! Brains in jars.... Brains in jars..... Fucking BRAINS in fucking JARS. AMAZING. The trade from earlier is now noticeably wearing nothing but a tiny pair of pants and a cloak, flashing his legs and bulge in all glory, one for the Dr Who wank bank. Omg. The brains in jars have fucking proper got Chesterfield bad, he's got Babs and the brains want her killed! Ian gonna strangle her!

Its a brain in a fucking jar! With eyestalks!!!

Luckily for Babs, she has realised the brains in jars weakness... as brains in jars she can just.... push them over. Well that was an anti climax. Has Dr Who found a key yet? Anyway onwards, back to the bracelets. Dr Who has decicded they all gonna split up! Dr Who is gonna jump ahead two bracelet stops ahead. Dr Who ropes the girl that might be towel bloke's daughter and the trade with legs to go with Ian, Babs and Susan. Did I mention the trade with legs is clearly a massive bender power bottom twink. What are the chances that Ian is gonna bend that trade over and pound him at some point later in the story? Hmmm, 1964 at 5pm in the afternoon on a Saturday... probably not. Susan jumps ahead and screams because she's useless. Cliffhanger.



The Screaming Jungle and The Snows of Terror: Hartnell Takes a Holiday 

Of course! Thats why Dr Who has jumped two stops ahead. Hartnell is taking a 2 week holiday. The next 2 Dr Who free Dr Who episodes continue the crazy travelogue to a jungle and a ... er.... snowy place. The Screaming Jungle is so called I presume because Susan is there, and she screams.... constantly. Whilst in the jungle the gang are menaced my some plastic plants that sort of ... wave around a bit.

Shut the Fuck Up Susan!!!!

Remember in Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince when Harry & Dumbledore got the locket horcrux and it turned out wasn't real it was a fake? Well the next key they pick up in the jungle is a bloody fake too just like that! Fucks sake! Babs gets trapped in a temple thing with statues that look suspiciusly like the same ones from the hallucination the last episode, and Susan and the 2 Marinus people (Marinusians? Marinusites?) head on to the next destination. For fucks sake. So no Ian/Trade sex scene yet.

'Ditch the birds and just bum me, Ian!'

There's another statue that is actually a man in a costume swinging an axe around. It gives Ian a fright. Blah blah blah is Susan having a holiday too? She fucked off less than halfway through the episode and I suspect she won't be seen until the next one. The Screaming Jungle is padded out with Ian and Babs inexplicably arsing around with some bloke who made bloke with towel's towel look fancy. Blah blag blah. They eventually get the right key, after some of the most interminable padding where they sit around a room, flick through some books, and freak out over hearing some wind outside and another plastic plant starts flopping around. Babs screams after a plastic plant gently brushes her ankle a few times. The part where they find the key is presented as some 'puzzle' but they could have made it at least a bit like a Crystal Maze thing and had an actual puzzle. Its more reminiscent of Neil Buchanan's Finders Keepers (apologies any readers under 30).

Rolling around in some polystyrene

As the teachers finally get to the next destination, no sign of Susan, Man with Towel's Daughter or the bottom twink, but they do roll around at a no expenses spared snowy landscape (this week the sound stage is covered in polysterene) but they do find some big beardy bloke.

He's what the gays would call a 'bear'

Beardy bloke says that the bottom twink had been to his house the night before but no sign of the women. So clearly ditched them at the quickest opportunity at the chance of gettiong some cock. Ian goes off to find the other three leaving poor Babs with the beardy bloke. It turns out he did see Susan and Man with Towel's daughter, as he's stolen their bracelets! OMG! The dastard. Beardy bloke wants to have his way with Barbara, luckily she manages to fight him off with a variety of props that have been left on the set before being rescued by Ian and the Bottom twink. OK, we need to talk about the fact that when Ian is out looking for the bottom, he is menaced multiple times by some grainy stock footage of a wolf.

Stock footage alert!

I feel like I need to count the amount of times stock footage makes an appearance in Dr Who. Is this the first time? I'm sure, unless Marco Polo had any. Blah Blah Blah muscular hunky Ian is now able to boss the big beardy rapist around to help him find Susan and the blonde daughter of towel. The two ladies are in a cave somewhere being menaced by a rope bridge.

Temple of Doom it aint

The two parties meet up just in time to encounter the bloke that was in the jungle swinging his sword around, standing inexplicably in a corner. Then the rapist downs the rope bridge so they can't get back. Still not sure what the fuck the bloke was supposed to be doing in the corner. Is he a statue? Its supposed to be freezing in the cave but the Bottom slut is still waggling his package around in his tiny pants without even pretending to like... act... that his legs are like cold for being exposed. Whatever. Maybe he could've sold it by saying 'my package has fucking shrunk in this cold'. Oh the gang have finally noticed the bloke in the corner and I've noticed there's more than just one of them. Still not sure if they'rer supposed to be statues or what.

Chillin'

Ah ha. They aren't statues. They're robots. Or, people that stand around for a bit before like, moving, or something. The nail biting final part of the episode is a confrontation as the robot statue things terrorise our heroes. Luckily Ian is able to mend the rope bridge, only for them to drop it back down as they escape and for one of the robots to plummet to his demise while screaming 'AYYYYYY' the other robots are somehow able to follow the gang back to the rapists house, and they escape just in the nick of time leaving the rapist at the robot things mercy. Episode 4's cliffhanger involves a mysterious unknown person stealing some jewellery from a cabinet. Exciting stuff.


Dr Who is back: Sentence of Death and The Keys of Marinus

The final two episodes of this epic adventure revolve around Ian being put on trial for the murder of someone in the jewellery shop. Of course we know it wasn't Ian, but whoever stole the jewells. Its a bit disappointing to be honest, while episode 2 - 4 weren't very plot heavy, they were an epic travelogue across cheaply dressed minimal studio set to cheaply dressed minimal studio set, and unless your Kavanagh Fucking QC trial scenes always just kill momentum stone dead... more of that in the Colin Baker years (spoilers). At least however Hartnell is back from hols so we get some Dr Who action again at last. Dr Who is able to convince the judges of the trial to give him time to investigate the murder. Hartnell is clearly refreshed after his holiday and is on top form bossing everyone around. The judges inexplicably seem to be wearing hats made of toilet roll.

Don't ask

Barbara and Susan think they have worked out who the real bad guy is, and if he's not he does a very good job of making it look like he is. Back at the trial and Dr Who gesticulates wildly all over the place. He fingers the real bad guy (not like that) and just as teh bad guy is being apprehended he goes 'AGGGH' and lies down.

Hartnell in all his lapel grabbing glory

To make this planet seem proper alien like we discover they don't use fingerprints in their legal process. They don't even know what fingerprints are. Proper alien like. Susan is kidnapped and Babs receives a phone call from her on what looks like some kind of curling iron.

It was the '60s after all

Despite the bad guy having been fingered for some reason they still think Ian killed the guy in the jewellery shop. Fucking hell losing interest. Finally because of one of those 'hang in how did thingy know about that thing we never told them, so that means for thingy to know they must be involved' the plot is able to lurch forward, Susan is rescued faster than you can say 'interminable padding', Hartnell does some insane laughing (I think he needs another holiday). Eventually Ian is released and we finally see the rubber fetish people again, very disappointing how little they have appeared in the story.

Bottom twink menaced by rubber fetish guy

Theres a whole load (well, I think I counted three) of the rubber fetish people back at the original island where the TARDIS first landed. Luckily the forcefield is no longer around the TARDIS. The fetish people are up to some weird ceremonial shit and the bottom twink and daughter of towel are held hostage by them. Ugh, for some reason the rubber fetish people want the fucking keys. Dr Who frees the hostages and Ian gives one of the fetish people 'the final key'. HOWEVER it turns out it was a fake key.... take that (or something). They use the fake key and it blows up the building. Seems a bit harsh. Dr Who and everyone fuck off after Dr Who gives some speech to man with towel's daughter. 'Oh dear, I shall miss them' says Barbara.... um, sure. Queue zoom out of model shot. NO CLIFFHANGER. Very disappointing.

Conclusion

The story started strong, had a fun around in the middle, but died a death in the end. To be honest I'm still not sure what was so important about the fucking keys, and I'm disappointed we didn't see more of the rubber fetish people. Next story... The Aztecs! Oh God, a historical,... better get the booze in.....